It’s been a strange spring.
Very strange indeed…
To begin with, spring isn’t usually a great time for me. I was raped and I had an abortion against my will, both in the spring. These events have haunted me for years. A malicious depression usually overcomes me during the spring, regardless of the precautions I take. I’ve learned to cope with this malaise recently, however it is always there… always.
However this spring… this spring is different.
This spring I found my birth mother. This spring I’ve made contact with my birth mother. This spring I also developed a different and new relationship with my adopted mother. Both are equally surprising.
I’ve mentioned it before, that my mother and I don’t have the best relationship. It is a strange thing now, with the discovery of my birth mother, that my adopted mother and I can bond over it. I would say that my birth mother isn’t entirely responsible, but in the end, she is. Without her love, I would have never been adopted, never had an adopted mother, and would have never been able to reconnect with her.
Although I also might not have been so estranged to being with…
… But we can’t go back now, can we?
Well, let’s recap…
At the beginning of the year, I changed. I was regressing to old behaviors. I was sabotaging my relationship because I was unhappy. To ruin my relationship for fretting the small stuff, I was a fool. I was such a fool that I couldn’t even confront my boyfriend about it. And when it all surfaced, I was sure it was over. But to my surprise, we fought and fought through it. It was then that I changed. I’m confronting him when I’m unhappy, and overall learning to speak up for myself, which is completely new to me.
I am also learning to put myself and my needs first. This is something I’ve also never done before. It’s strange, but it’s more fulfilling than I’ve ever imagined. The biggest proof of this is searching for my birth mother… and finding her. It is something I’ve always thought about and always wanted to do, and now it’s something I’m doing. I’ve even put my pride aside, and have started a CrowdRise event to help raise the money needed to go and visit Seoul and meet my birth mother.
I was even able to tell my adopted mother, without hesitations or fear, that I found my birth mother. I know I mentioned this in a previous post, my hesitations and fear. And up to the moment I told her, I was anxious, avoiding the topic altogether. But then she asked how my search was progressing, and a pure smile broke across my face. My heart started racing and I knew I couldn’t avoid the topic… so I told her. We sat on a bench, smoked our cigarettes, and cried tears of joy and excitement, together. It was refreshing, and much needed to help solidify our new relationship.
Onward…
So it’s been a strange spring. A strange year in fact.
And it’s strange, because this is where my life starts. It feels like a rebirth. I feel new. I don’t feel the spring malaise. I’m not plagued by flashbacks and nightmares of the ghosts that haunt me. I don’t break down when I think of them, and it’s a sign of healing. I never used to believe that time heals all wounds. I still don’t. But love can conquer all. My boyfriend’s love for me. My adopted mother’s love for me. And all of it possible because of my birth mother’s love for me.
I told you it’s a love story. Although it’s it strange?
The Life of an Asian 