You have to read this…
You have to…
You have to…
I hate that phrase. I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to eat. I don’t have to pay my bills. I don’t have to work, or work hard at that. I don’t have to be skinny. I don’t have to be smart. I don’t have to try. I don’t have to stand up for myself. I don’t…
… I don’t have to do anything except those automatic bodily reflexes that I have limited to no control over. So I don’t have to do anything. Hear that?! I don’t have to do (nearly) a damn thing.
I could shout this from a roof top. I could hijack all the digital signs, billboards, banners, and channels in the world to display this for all. But it wouldn’t change the fact that I hear this phrase on a regular basis. Maybe that’s because I go against the grain. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I have a powerfully sensitive disposition, unlike most of the people I find in my company. Although, if I was a gambling girl (which I am) I’d say it’s because people are too busy judging the actions of others and less occupied with their own.
I say this now, because for the first time, in a long while, I stood up for myself, and that’s saying something. As the least confrontational person I know, this is out of my comfort zone, and it was not rewarding. It has led to an anxiety attack, a point on my work record for leaving early, and a smaller paycheck (just in time for rent). And all of this because I have to cover a certain position at my workplace… I have to be a shift lead to a shift that is not my own, that doesn’t accept me as their own… I have to hold my head up high and return to the position a second day, even though it brought me to shaking with tears the first three hours…
Excuse my language, but the only thing I have to do is say “fuck that”.
I’m saying this now because I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of people telling me what I have to do. I’m sorry if you weren’t aware, but you do not know what’s best for me. You do not know the path that I’ve walked. You do not know the struggles I’ve faced. And as someone surviving everyday with anxiety, and most days depression, you do not know the pain and heartache that I can inflict on myself. So don’t tell me what I have to do.
Stop.
Take a look at your own actions and words. Think about what you have to do. Think about what we all have to do. Be kinder. Love more. Laugh more. Share with friends. Share with strangers. Accept others (warts and all). Celebrate differences. Bond over similarities. Be creative. But what I think is most important, is stop trying to live the life of others.
You have to…
… do what’s best for you.
The Life of an Asian 